Something huge has come to the surface to be dealt with. It's not a topic I've
seen discussed. But it's here in my face.....
GUILT and I'm slowly making my way through the process of clearing.
Like many on this spiritual path I've had to detach from family and
friends in order to stay true to my path. Which was not easy to do.
I come from a rather large Irish family with 21 first cousins! We grew
up together - they were my best childhood friends. I'm one of
the older cousins aka the babysitter for the younger ones. Let's just
say I was involved with all 21 cousins in one way or another
throughout my life.
But that all changed 10 years ago for me when I dropped out, I was
no longer available to run off to family reunions, weddings or
major events in my family. During this 10 year period I was
knee deep in my dark night of the soul, finances were scarce,
I looked like hell and couldn't even sustain a conversation
if I tried. The old me was gone.
The new me is protective of my space, in a place of
hermit-ting and finances are still scarce but I make due. My
past is a far off memory at this point in time.
So, what does one do when there's a death in the family?
Last week my Uncle died (my Mom's brother) and there was
a flurry of phone calls and expectations from family that
I be present for the wake and funeral. Mind you it was a
1,000 miles away. But I held strong that I needed to
stay put. I sent messages to my cousins who had lost
their father. Sent condolences to their mother......but I
remained detached.
............and now Guilt and shame has reared it's ugly head along with many
other deprecating feelings. Let's just say I've opened a can
of worms, that just one week ago were not in my
consciousness.
I'll also note that while my uncle was dying, my Mom was
in the hospital having just suffered a heart attack. Yes, I
was with my Mom through her 10 day healing process
in the hospital and then there for her when she came home.
I guess what I'm saying is that I had a valid reason that
I could not hop on a plane and travel a 1,000 miles to
be with family, but more than that I didn't want to, I couldn't
step into the family dynamics, couldn't step into the
pain of it all, couldn't just re-emerge after 10 years
of detaching.
Wow, this is one hell of a trip. So now I find myself
steeped in guilt.........although I'm trying to really
pull myself out of these feelings. This experience has
brought up so much for me that needed to be
cleared.
I have to keep bring myself back to the present
moment, it's the only way to rise above.
To thine own self be true.